Ready To Fall
Louis looked down towards the ground. He swung his legs over the ledge and sat, just thinking. The ground looked so far away from the rooftop of his apartment building that he was sitting on. He knew it was his fault. Everything was his fault. What happened to the band, that was definitely his fault. He thought back to the night that forever changed his life.
Louis was happy. Louis was extremely happy. They had just gotten home from their first world tour and they were celebrating back at his and Harry’s flat. He couldn’t help but gaze over at Liam every few minutes. He looked absolutely amazing. His plaid shirt clung to his strong muscles in all the right places, and his slightly styled hair stuck up perfectly in the back. He could hear Liam laughing along with Niall about something that Zayn had said.
Louis would sometimes catch Liam staring at him, and they would both blush, before averting their eyes and going back to their own conversations. Liam and Louis had been having a ‘thing’ during the tour. Sometimes, when it was dark and everyone else was sleeping, they would stay up all night, talking, flirting, and just enjoying each other’s company. Every now and then there would be drunken kisses in a hallway, but never anything more than that. But Louis wanted more. He was in love with Liam. He loved everything about him. And he knew that Liam loved him too. At least he hoped he did.
Louis walked up to Liam and pulled him away from Niall and Zayn, leading him into the hallway. The hallway was quiet, unlike the living room, where the other three boys were talking and laughing loudly. It was slightly dark and a bit of an intimate setting. He was nervous. He was finally going to tell Liam how he felt about him.
Liam cleared his throat before talking, “What’s up?” Lou shifted a little before responding quietly, “I-I need to tell you something.” Liam looked slightly concerned for a second., “What is it, Lou?” He fidgeted for a few moments before he blurted out, “I love you!” Liam stared at him for a second before his face became noticeably red, “You what?” Louis began again, “I love you. I love everything about you. The way you laugh, the way you kiss me… I could go on and on about how much and why I love you. But I just want to know if you love me, too.”
Liam’s face grew redder, but this time it wasn’t from embarrassment. Liam was angry. “Are you fucking kidding me? That’s crazy! I kissed you because I was drunk, not because I loved you! You seriously believe that? That’s insane! I’m straight, I’m with Danielle! How could I possibly want someone like you? I’m not a fucking fag!!!” During his entire rant, Liam had gotten louder and louder until he was practically screaming. Halfway through, the other boys had stormed in to see what the commotion was about. They watched in shock. And from then on, Louis knew that nothing would ever be the same.
That night had turned out to be the end of One Direction. They had all gone their separate ways. Harry had started his career as a solo artist and was making a good name for himself. Zayn had successfully broken into the modeling industry. Niall fulfilled his life dream of buying out Nando’s. And Liam had gotten married to Danielle. They had all moved on and were happy. Except for Louis. He was utterly unhappy and he certainly wasn’t going to let go of what he wished he still had and let himself move on.
Louis couldn’t find anything to make himself happy. His life no longer held a purpose. There was nothing left for him to care about. He just couldn’t find it in him to care about life anymore. He blamed himself for everything that had gone wrong. He could only imagine where he would be now if One Direction were still together. How could he have been so stupid?
He stood on the edge of the rooftop. Maybe it would be better if he just jumped. If he just died and left this world and all of his sorrows behind. Louis was standing on the rooftop, and he was ready. Ready to fall.
“Don’t do it. Don’t jump.” Louis stumbled backward in surprise. He turned, and there stood Liam, looking just as he had the last time that Louis had seen him, telling him not to kill himself. “Come here. Please. Do you know what it would do to me if you died? If you left me forever? I love you. So much. I only said those things because I was scared and confused. I didn’t know what to do. Just please, don’t jump.”
Louis stared at him for a second. “You came for me.” Liam laughed that laugh that Louis had fallen in love with and said, “I will always come for you.” A grin appeared on Louis’ face and he rushed away from the ledge and into Liam’s waiting arms. But as he reached them, all he felt was air. Wisps of smoke were drifting into the sky. It was then that Louis realized that Liam hadn’t been with him at all.
The only explanation that he had been able to come up with was that he had driven himself mad. This realization only pushed him further over the edge. He brought himself up the stairs to the rooftop again the following night with the same intentions. As his toes hung over the edge of the building, he heard Liam’s strong voice again. “I’m serious, Louis. Why are you living this way? This isn’t you.” Louis replied in a helpless tone, “Yes it is. This is my life now.” Liam looked like these words hurt him. “Well you can go on to what you pretend is your life, but please don’t die on me.” And with that, Liam vanished. These words may not have been much, but they were enough to bring Louis back to his apartment. Enough to keep him alive.
It was two weeks later and Louis had gone up to his rooftop every night with the intention of jumping, and every night Liam was there to persuade him not to. It was becoming a habit. Liam was the only one who had the influence to talk him out of killing himself, even if he was just a figment of Louis’ imagination. Louis stood looking out at the inviting ground below him. He knew Liam would be there without even having to turn around. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?” He looked behind him at Liam’s confused face. “You don’t want me anymore?” he asked. Louis looked at him for a second before turning back to look at the paved street below. “Of course I want you. And that’s the problem. Every time I try to jump, you have to go and stop me. At this rate, it will never happen.” Liam looked at him with a hopeful smile, “So you won’t try to kill yourself anymore?” Louis disappointed the imaginary Liam as he said, “That’s not what I’m saying at all. I’ll just have to try something else.” And with nothing more to say, he brushed past Liam, making him disappear in a cloud of smoke.
Louis made his way down from the rooftop holding his head. He was crazy. That was the only reason that Liam kept showing up. He broke from his thoughts as his neighbor, Lily, began to speak to him, “Are you okay, Mr. Louis? Do you need anything?” He smiled softly down at her. She was a cute kid, only about seven years old, completely unaware of how harsh the world can be. “I’m okay sweetie. I just need to take a few pills and I’ll be fine.” She nodded along as he spoke, “Alright. I hope you feel better, Mr. Louis!” She skipped away and left him alone with his thoughts again. Maybe a few pills would do the trick.
Louis filled his glass with water and swallowed two pills. He could feel them begin to take affect. His mind was suddenly free. He could finally think clearly. He was insane, Liam was right. He was stupid to think that Liam would ever love him. Liam was happily married to Danielle, and straight. Most importantly he was straight. It would never happen.
Everything was Louis’ fault. He accepted that. He had screwed everything up. He couldn’t live like this anymore. He needed the constant pain to go away. He was going to die. And this time, not even Liam was going to stop him. So Louis took one last look at himself and downed the entire bottle of pills without a second thought. Blackness soon swallowed him as he fell lifelessly to the floor.
Louis blinked his eyes slowly, becoming accustomed to the blinding light. ‘Where am I?’ he thought, ‘Am I dead? I hope so.’ He looked around, moaning as he felt a crick in his neck, taking in his surroundings. To his left he saw a heart beat monitor. It was beeping steadily. He was alive. “Well, shit.” was all he could think to say. How could one person have so little success in killing themselves? Committing suicide was harder than it looked.
He winced as he heard the door to the room banging open. He glared at Liam as he barged in. “Are you okay, Louis? Why did you… Why?” Louis groaned, “God, Liam, why can’t you ever just leave me alone? I told you to stay away from me.” Liam looked at him, confused, “What do you mean? I haven’t talked to you in over two years.”
Louis looked up at him sharply, “Stop screwing with my head! You’re always there. Every time it was ‘Don’t jump Louis! Don’t kill yourself! Please, stop trying to die!’ God, you never give up. Why won’t you just let me kill myself in peace?”
Liam was dumbfounded. He truly hadn’t spoken to Louis since One Direction had split, which was something that he wasn’t proud of. And Louis had tried to kill himself? Multiple times? Well that was news to him.
Louis took Liam’s silence as a sign to continue his rant, “And I get it. I really do. You’ll never love me, you have Danielle! I understand that. Everyone moved on, except for me. So I try to kill myself and what do you do? You show up and tell me to get off the roof, and that you love me, and you don’t want me to die, and then you leave in a puff of smoke, back into my imagination until you feel like you need to screw with me again.”
Liam stared at Louis in shock. He had been a part of Louis’ imagination? What had happened to him? “Hey, Lou, slow down, buddy. What happened? Tell me everything.” Louis sighed in exasperation, “Of course. Once I show up in the hospital you seem to remember nothing. You don’t remember all the times that you said you loved me, all the times you told how much you would miss me when I was gone. You don’t even remember all of the talks we’ve had over the last two weeks when I would stand so close to the edge of the rooftop. None of it. My mind screwed with your memory this time. Why haven’t you poofed out of here yet? Really, what am I going to do to myself in a hospital?”
Liam sat down on the chair next to Louis’ bed. “I’m not just a part of your imagination, Louis. I’m actually here. I’m not some sort of ghost.” Louis snorted, “I highly doubt that. Real Liam hates me. Only Liam from my imagination loves me. And that’s just because I made him up. So, I find it hard to believe that you are the real Liam. Please, do me a favor and just poof out of here already.”
Liam shifted for a second before responding, “You know… Real Liam loves you too…” Louis scoffed, “Oh really? Now you’re lying to me, too? Your cruelty knows no bounds, Imaginary Liam. I’m not a fan of this version of you.”
Liam huffed in annoyance, “God, Louis! Can’t you see? I’m the real Liam. You’re not imagining this time. I’m actually here, and I love you. I love you so, so much. And when I yelled at you two years ago, I was scared. No, I was terrified. I didn’t want to be seen as gay. But now I realize that as long as I’m with you, it doesn’t matter what other people think of me.” “You sound just like the first imaginary Liam.” Louis muttered under his breath.
Liam nearly screamed in frustration, “I love you! I love everything about you! I love your jokes, I love your laugh, I love your hair, and your eyes, and your smile! And God! You’re so incredibly perfect, in case you didn’t know. I absolutely love you, Louis.” Louis still looked skeptical, so Liam gently took Louis’ face between his hands, and slowly stroked his soft skin. Louis’ eyes widened, as his head flooded with realization, “You didn’t poof.” Liam chuckled quietly and murmured, “I love you, Boo Bear,” before he leaned down and kissed Louis. Their lips molded together perfectly, and Louis quickly responded to the kiss. They fit together like a puzzle, and neither wanted it to end. Liam slowly pulled away, his eyes filled with love and adoration that was mirrored in Louis’.
Louis began to stammer, “You’re real? And you love me? Are you sure I didn’t die?” Liam couldn’t help but laugh before pressing another kiss to his lips. “Yes, I’m real. No, you didn’t die. And I do love you. I always have.” Louis looked shocked, “Always?” Liam nodded in confirmation, “Always.” Louis jumped up and crashed his lips into Liam’s. They kissed passionately until Louis pulled away from Liam, whispering breathlessly, “God, I love you.”
